Smoke and Mirrors...

Day 1; My morning started off like any other morning, other than my alarm screaming at me at nine in the morning. I still had barely a drive to even roll out of bed to start my day.  My body, shouting for nicotine, the one thing that seems to keep me stable, the one thing that hurts me most...... My morning smoke, the harshness still gets to me, and manages to wake me up. Roughly 30 minutes after I awaken, I have yet to take in any nicotine and my body is now slowing down from lack of caffeine.   I now find myself driving 45 minutes to my new job with less than a quarter tank of gas, luckily for me, there is a gas station where I can get fuel for not only my car, but for myself as well... Once I fill up my tank, down half my energy drink and enjoy a smoke on my car ride up, I have an epiphany; My emotions are a slave to these chemicals, without them, I am an empty shell, a ticking time bomb, ready to go into an anxious, panicking state at the slightest comment. I am now a recluse, bound to the consumption of these chemicals, and the inevitable interaction of others. I arrive at the location of my employment, yet no one is there to instruct me on what I must do for the few hours I am there.  I am now standing in a dark empty shop, looking around at my surroundings, and the potential daunting tasks, though in reality they are menial. Finally someone arrives, and is looking around for potential work as well... We both decide to begin scrubbing, and painting walls... Once we have completed that, the owner comes in and ask us to clean the floor, since the previous shop which had been here has been closed for close to a year. I begin such a task given to me, I go into an almost mindless state, and my body goes into autopilot. after a good hour or so, I decide I shall attempt to converse with the other worker on site, though only socially awkward comments escape me. At the end of the day, I get handed some money for the previous days work, and I immediately head to buy myself an electronic cigarette... the only thought in my mind is 'I must break free of nicotine, to some extent, I will no longer let it control me, I will control it....' (in reference to the need to step outside to take in nicotine, and break social interaction, at the added price of smelling like burnt tobacco) and I drove home. On my drive home, I run into some traffic, and decide I might want to listen to music to entertain myself, I begin to zone out to the music.  Thirty minutes into the drive I realize every song that is playing is about emptiness or lost love, I now find myself feeling like a shell of whom I once was. I finally return home, I sit down in front of my TV, begin gaming, and so ended my day....... or so I thought. A few hours later, I get a phone call, along with a knock at the door.  It's around 10 in the evening I am ready to fall asleep.  It was a friend... Apparently he decided to walk to my house because he "wanted to get out of his house..." The moment I saw him, it seemed as if the rest of my energy was drained, as if his negativity was pushed on me, and made me go from an emotionless demeanor to a subtle anger, which had also given me a headache... Though I wanted to go to bed, I decided to be a good host, and let him in.  The next few hours were filled with him requesting me to help him make BOXED mac-n-cheese and frozen dinners, raiding my fridge, and gaming.  Not to mention the request to smoke the rest of my actual cigarettes. I finally asked him to leave, which I guess processed in his mind as "I'm going to lay down in your bed, fall asleep, and have you wake me up in the morning so I may spend the rest of the day with you..." So I was left with a migraine, and fell asleep.   And thus was my day I now see that my journey has quite a way to go before I may actually begin it...........

Hello World! My Past, My Future, My Journey!

Through out the years I have been struggling to find myself, and unlocking the potential of my mind, But before my journey begins, I feel like I should tell you my story, my life... In my earlier years, I have had issues with schooling due to, and lack of a better term, not being the most "popular" student. From elementary school, until just before college. Elementary school, I had trouble making friends due to not speaking much English, (Polish being my primary language) and in the most childlike manner I was set off as the outcast. Through that schooling I was pushed away from interactions with fellow classmates, not being allowed to join them during games at recess or even building towering stacks of colorful wooden blocks, which then progressed up to childlike pranks and comments, from being in an ESL class. Fifth grade came along, and the nightmare had only started. I only had a few choice friends, and a small handful of others which seemed to be conditional, (When my bullies/tormentors were not around.) Not only did most of the school know me, but they were not too fond of my prior status as the outcast. After a year or so, a choice few faculty members had decided to jump on the bandwagon of my slowly increasing emotional instability. Every time I had gone down to the principals office, I was directed to the vice principals which had only given me punishments, and not the people who had gone after me. I was held back a year, only to "allow the bullies to go ahead of me." as the vice principal had stated, though as the year started, I had come to find out that everyone of them were placed in my home room class. During that year, I had gone to a school dance to hopefully socialize,and maybe become friendly with some students.  Only to get jumped by the sidewalk at the end of the dance, though no student, teacher, or parent got in, to stop the relentless beating which had be brought on me. Despite my fears, I went to school the next day, only to be called to, none other than, the vice principal, with my assailants sitting at the desk, and be told that I had brought it on myself, and that I would receive a three day out of school suspension, followed by a three day in school, for apparently "instigating" the situation by going to the dance. From that day, whenever I entered the school, I was worried that something would happen to me.  I no longer could pay attention in my classes, and instead of taking the time to learn, I used that time as a break, my freedom from attacks, my sanctuary. High school, the years where you would think people would mature, weren't much different, besides the security roaming the halls.  A couple years in, I had found some students I thought I could confide in, and I came out as bi.  The students I thought I could confide in, had then gone off and told everyone they knew, and so the nightmare I was living, turned into a living hell. After High school, I took a break from pursuing and furthering my education knowing that the mindset instilled on me, of a class room being nothing more than my sanctuary, was still fresh and unchanging. Though after a few years I decided to follow up, and go to college.  As I feared, My mindset was still with me, and as much as I wanted to learn, I could not break down such a wall a few semesters went by and though there were no "bullies" my feelings for a classroom were still strong, and unwavering. A couple years ago, I had gotten into a relationship which had, for lack of a better term, been a "relationshit" It had only lasted a few months, but the toll on my emotional being had become unbearable, Luckily I broke free. She was a smoker, which rubbed off on me, and after the first month, I had picked up such a disgusting habit. It was so bad, we went though a few packs, in a couple days. After a couple months, I had began to realize her "Love" for me, was an unhealthy sexual obsession, to such an extent that when I denied her advances, her emotional onslaught began, crying hysterically, and emotionally destructive phrases such as, (and this one ringing very loudly in my mind, to this day) "You're broken, and I want to fix you... But I do not know how, I just want this chance..." I had spoken to her on many occasions about things I would like to change with in the relationship, but It always ended in her favor.  I lost almost all my friends, and only a few members of my family spoke to me at this point. Almost six months later, I Finally had broken it off, after she had told half her town I had secretly proposed to her "after dating for a few years", and even made a wedding planner, without my knowledge. At this point I no longer can tell if this is stress, depression, lack of motivation, or fear of failure (maybe even a combination of all the above); But I cannot seem to regain the drive to go farther, I must decipher the inner workings of my mind before I may push forward. I sit here now, as the present day Mark, the 22 year old, Bisexual male. This is my story. Though, if you care to join me on my discoveries, my journey is only just beginning. The journey to find myself....