Smoke and Mirrors...

Day 1; My morning started off like any other morning, other than my alarm screaming at me at nine in the morning. I still had barely a drive to even roll out of bed to start my day.  My body, shouting for nicotine, the one thing that seems to keep me stable, the one thing that hurts me most...... My morning smoke, the harshness still gets to me, and manages to wake me up. Roughly 30 minutes after I awaken, I have yet to take in any nicotine and my body is now slowing down from lack of caffeine.   I now find myself driving 45 minutes to my new job with less than a quarter tank of gas, luckily for me, there is a gas station where I can get fuel for not only my car, but for myself as well... Once I fill up my tank, down half my energy drink and enjoy a smoke on my car ride up, I have an epiphany; My emotions are a slave to these chemicals, without them, I am an empty shell, a ticking time bomb, ready to go into an anxious, panicking state at the slightest comment. I am now a recluse, bound to the consumption of these chemicals, and the inevitable interaction of others. I arrive at the location of my employment, yet no one is there to instruct me on what I must do for the few hours I am there.  I am now standing in a dark empty shop, looking around at my surroundings, and the potential daunting tasks, though in reality they are menial. Finally someone arrives, and is looking around for potential work as well... We both decide to begin scrubbing, and painting walls... Once we have completed that, the owner comes in and ask us to clean the floor, since the previous shop which had been here has been closed for close to a year. I begin such a task given to me, I go into an almost mindless state, and my body goes into autopilot. after a good hour or so, I decide I shall attempt to converse with the other worker on site, though only socially awkward comments escape me. At the end of the day, I get handed some money for the previous days work, and I immediately head to buy myself an electronic cigarette... the only thought in my mind is 'I must break free of nicotine, to some extent, I will no longer let it control me, I will control it....' (in reference to the need to step outside to take in nicotine, and break social interaction, at the added price of smelling like burnt tobacco) and I drove home. On my drive home, I run into some traffic, and decide I might want to listen to music to entertain myself, I begin to zone out to the music.  Thirty minutes into the drive I realize every song that is playing is about emptiness or lost love, I now find myself feeling like a shell of whom I once was. I finally return home, I sit down in front of my TV, begin gaming, and so ended my day....... or so I thought. A few hours later, I get a phone call, along with a knock at the door.  It's around 10 in the evening I am ready to fall asleep.  It was a friend... Apparently he decided to walk to my house because he "wanted to get out of his house..." The moment I saw him, it seemed as if the rest of my energy was drained, as if his negativity was pushed on me, and made me go from an emotionless demeanor to a subtle anger, which had also given me a headache... Though I wanted to go to bed, I decided to be a good host, and let him in.  The next few hours were filled with him requesting me to help him make BOXED mac-n-cheese and frozen dinners, raiding my fridge, and gaming.  Not to mention the request to smoke the rest of my actual cigarettes. I finally asked him to leave, which I guess processed in his mind as "I'm going to lay down in your bed, fall asleep, and have you wake me up in the morning so I may spend the rest of the day with you..." So I was left with a migraine, and fell asleep.   And thus was my day I now see that my journey has quite a way to go before I may actually begin it...........